


When you look me in the eyes

by sagitariarus



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, I'm so sorry, Idiots in Love, Jedi Academy AU, Reylo - Freeform, you're gonna suffer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 17:37:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17985662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagitariarus/pseuds/sagitariarus
Summary: Ben and Rey meet for the first time at the Jedi academy.





	When you look me in the eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bensolowillturn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bensolowillturn/gifts).



Ben, sixteen.

Today is a normal day. The morning light pours in through the curtains of his small room, illuminating him completely. It has also been a normal night: he has barely been able to sleep. The darkness that spoke to him at night has been present, staining his deepest thoughts, whispering dark words to him. And Ben is afraid of them because he knows that something is wrong with him.

He gets up, letting the light of the window only bathe a side of his face. Yes, everything is completely normal. He is still too big for the bed assigned to him by his uncle, his lightsaber is on the table along with his calligraphy set and the few clothes he has are on the chair. He looks at himself in the small mirror on the wall and sees that his eye bags are still in the same place as always.

Something normal has happened to him, during the night the shadows and ghosts that begin to populate his head prevent him from sleeping and in the morning he fears that they are still there. That someone has come to look for him.

“Ben! Come on, your lessons are about to start!”

He hears his uncle’s voice from the other side of the door. Immediately he forgets those thoughts in the urgency of not being late, puts on one of his robes and goes outside, closing the door of his room and the memories of that darkness forgotten in a corner of his mind.

Everyone walks through the halls of the academy in the direction of the dining room. As usual, he does it alone. And as usual, he sits at the same table with no one to keep him company. Ben does not miss anyone either. To be a Skywalker and the nephew of his famous uncle does not prevent him from having a reputation among his companions of being a weirdo. And it does not bother Ben either, he knows that deep down they're right. He has shown it in classes, to have a power much greater than the others in the domain of the force. And instead of creating admiration among others, he has been met with fear and rejection.

Someone rests a hand on his shoulder. He turns around and meets his uncle.

“Ben, I need you to come to my office as soon as you finish” he says with a smile.

His uncle was the famous Luke Skywalker. He was perfect, intelligent and everyone admired him. And maybe, because he's also a Skywalker, Ben should have inherited those virtues. When people met him, they looked for them in him. It was logical. If you have the surname Skywalker you also have to have skills to be a hero. But Ben does not have them. And as soon as they realize it, they set him aside, looking at him with disappointed and spiteful eyes. Ben also knows all this and also knows that his uncle is aware. As much as he is friendly and protective of him, he knows that Ben has a problem. Beneath that friendly and cheerful false cloak to his nephew, is the real Luke who feels disapproval towards him. Ben knows. Because, he will never be what they expect him to be. He is never up to their expectations.

All these dreary thoughts cross his mind. But he nods to Luke.

Shortly after, he finishes his breakfast and heads to the office.

“Hi Ben” his uncle greets him when he shows up at the door. “She is Rey”

A girl of no more than five years old is sitting with her back to him in one of the chairs. She turns and stares at him. She has big expressive brown eyes, that look at him with an intelligent brightness. Her hair is pulled up in three small buns and there are locks of hair falling over her forehead and her ears. Her face, somewhat brown, has numerous freckles distributed under her eyes and over her small nose. Her arms are too thin, and they cling to the back of the chair as she looks at him. Ben also realizes that she wears very dirty clothes and that she also has dust and mud stains all over her small body.

He also thinks that she is the most beautiful thing he has seen in a long time.

Ben enters the room and stands in front of the desk in the office. They have not lost eye contact at any time.

“Ben, she has the power of the force, like all of us. We have found her and now that she is here she can start a new life as a Jedi student. I want you to help her acommodate to her new life here” 

Then the alarms sound in Ben's mind. Nobody has ever trusted him. And now they want him to take care of a girl.

“But…"

“I know you will do well. Rey doesn’t know anyone and has never lived indoors, she needs your help. Take her to the showers and then find a room for her”

Ben looks at Rey again. She looks at him with her innocent and sincere eyes.

“It's okay” he says dragging the words.

Both leave the office and are in the hallway. He is much taller than her. Rey barely reaches his waist. And she is watching him intently.

“Okay, mmm …” Ben says. “I’ll take you to the showers”

He starts walking down the hall. At one point, he turns and sees that the kid has been following him all the time, without separating from his side. They cross path with several students who are also going down the hall.

Then he notices that Rey takes him by the hand. He notes how her little hand clings to his.

He lowers his head and looks at her, surprised. He is not used to people wanting to be with him, or touch him. But for her it is something new, because Ben realizes that it is something that the girl needs. Rey looks fearful at the students as they pass by, she does not know very well where she is and does not know who to trust. But she takes Ben by the hand because it's what she has now.

They arrive to the bathrooms. Ben explains how to use the showers and brings her towels and a clean robe. While the girl is showering, he waits for her outside. Ben doubts that she can take a proper shower, in fact, he thinks that she will only have done it as much as ten times in her life; but it seems inappropriate to be inside while she showers.

After a while, Rey comes out. She is dressed in the robe that Ben has given her, which is quite large and her hair is completely wet. Ben stares at her. He’s not used to take care of anyone.

“Your hair is completely wet”

Rey looks at him, as if she does not understand what he is saying. Ben takes her hand and leads her back to the bathroom. He sits her on one of the benches and with a towel, he starts rubbing his hair carefully, draining the water. He also combs her hair, and he passes the towel again. A while later, her hair is not as wet as before and her former clothes (totally soaked) have been replaced by new ones.

Ben leads her up the stairs, on the way to the rooms above. They find a small empty room that is in the same hallway as Ben's.

“Well, this is your new room. You have a bed, a wardrobe and a table”

Ben does not know what else to say.

Rey slowly enters looking around. Most likely, she had never been in a room like that. The light from the window illuminates her face. She is happy and smiles at Ben. But he (somewhat uncomfortable), decides that he has already fulfilled the mission imposed by his uncle and wants to go to his classes.

“Well, I ... I have to go to my classes”

Ben disappears from the door frame from where he had been watching her. He hasn’t even taken two steps when, suddenly, he feels a small tug on his Jedi robe.

“Ben”

He turns and has to lower his head to see the girl.

“Ben, can I go with you?”

And he doesn’t know what is what makes him say yes. It was listening to the girl's voice and realizing that she is as lonely as he is. And that would not let someone like her stay without someone to trust, someone who was by his side.

Ben makes a decision and takes Rey by the hand.

Ben, eighteen.

He notices that someone kicks him. The light enters through the window of his room but what wakes him is the kick of someone who is at his side, sleeping. He opens his eyes to see Rey asleep by his side. As usual, Rey has come to him during the night. The girl has a hard time because the nightmares do not stop gripping her at night and the only place where she feels safe is next to Ben.

“Rey, it's already morning. Wake up kid”

Rey, who until now has been submerged in a deep sleep, moves slowly stretching under Ben's gaze. She opens her eyes, blinking several times and looks at him.

“Good morning” she says with a smile.

“You don’t stop moving at night” Ben says. “And you don’t stop kicking me. Sometimes I think you train dueling classes with me"·

Rey, knowing that she is being teased, kicks him again, this time consciously. Then Ben gets up and grabs her, tickling her. Rey's laughter is like music to him.

But then Rey has to leave, she has to go to her room, change her clothes and comb her hair and then have breakfast.

Minutes later they meet again in the dining room of the academy. Ben no longer feels alone, now he shares his table with Rey. Every day. And it has become normal for them. Many nights she sleeps with him, needing the protective embrace of Ben so the nightmares leave her and he grasps her as if she was the only light in his life.. They eat together, have dinner together, and always see each other outside classes. For the others students it has also become normal, as if it has always been the two of them.

Luke Skywalker watches them with pensive eyes. It is curious the balance that buzzes between them.

Ben, twenty years.

He is walking through the corridors, which are full of students, and his head stands out a lot. He is the tallest of all. But now he does not have those lanky and thin limbs typical of his adolescence, the hard training that has exerted for years has paid off and his body is pure muscle.

He is one of the most advantaged students and his uncle has entrusted him several students to help in teaching. Luke may be kind and patient, but he still feels a certain detachment from the man.

Also, Ben has not spoken to his mother for months. He tries not to think about it, because no matter how much he denies it, it is something that pierces his heart constantly. And he does not want to think about Han either. His feelings towards Han are also anguishing. His mother sometimes calls him or writes letters to him. But his father? That man disappeared from Ben's life for years. It's something that hurts him a lot, and he cannot help but hate him because he feels betrayed. Ben needed him, and he has never been by his side.

He also hates himself because he knows that he is not what they expected. Ben never lived up to his mother's expectations; a child too quiet, too worried and scared of what was happening around him and what was happening to him. Because he still knows that something is still not going well inside him. And nobody wanted to listen to him.

And then there's Rey. Ben tries to keep her away from all that, from his parents and from the darkness that sometimes clouds his mind. He wants to keep her inside the bubble in which she lives, her classes, her companions, the candy jar in the kitchen, him. And Ben is afraid that she will fall victim to those dark nightmares too. Rey tells him about blurry images of wars and cries that do not let her sleep. Then he stays in her room waiting for her to go back to sleep, holding her hand.

But Ben also remembers other dreams that Rey told him.

Images of a desert that fill her with uncertainty.

Oceans that transmit peace.

Green fields that make her feel happy.

Ben thinks about all that while going to his next class.

That night, he barely sleeps. And when he does, he hears in his mind certain words that make him panic:

"The girl. She is also very powerful. The darkness can become great in her. The girl. It will be mine"

He wakes up and quickly gets up, prey to fear. He realizes that there is no one in his room and that what reigned in his mind has vanished. Still shaking, he dresses and goes outside to clear his mind.

That voice knew about Rey. He knows who she is. And he has to protect her.

“Ben!” He listens a voice while something grabs him by the waist.

He looks down and distinguishes Rey's thin arms, which hug him tightly.

“What are you doing here? It's too late” he says as he turns to face her.

She releases him and shrugs.

“I knew you were here”

They stay outside for a while, under the starry sky. She tells him things about classes and their friends. Ben realizes that she has grown lately.

He listens to everything she tells him with a smile on her face. Rey does not have any idea of how much he loves her.

Afterwards, they sit on the lawn.

“Ben” she says suddenly.

“What?”

And without warning she rushes against him and shakes his hair, laughing. He catches her on the fly and sits her on his lap, while tickling her. Their laughter is the only thing that can be heard in the night. When he thinks that Rey cannot take it anymore, he releases her. She sits in front of him, resting on his chest.

A few seconds go by before she turns around and looks at him again, worried.

“Ben, we'll be together forever, right?”

And that question reawakens the fear in him. A primitive and deep fear. But he knows what he has to say to the kid.

“Of course, Rey. Forever.”

He has never wanted anything so much in his life as that those words were true. Getting away from her is an idea that makes him shudder, it would be to lose the light that she gives to his life, it would be to fail her. And that is something that he could never forgive.

He also doesn’t know what has he done to deserve her seeing him the way she does.

Ben, twenty-three years old

Darkness grows inside him and fear too. Everything lived during the last years has been boosted, causing a great anguish in him. During the nights, that dark being that spoke to him, says things to him that Ben does not want to listen because he knows that they are certain. His parents did not want him, it has always been like that. His companions did not understand him and Luke did not trust him. He is a monster.

But in spite of everything, Ben still trusted his uncle in some way. Although the man was distant and thoughtful with his nephew, he was the only family he has.

He doesn’t see Rey as much as before now. She has integrated perfectly into the academy’s life, she has friends and loves her classes. She is thirteen years old, and although she is irremediably entering adolescence, she does not forget her best friend. Ben. They meet at the end of classes and some nights Rey steals sweets from the kitchen and shares them with him in his room.

But one day everything changes.

It's the day he hears two names in the same conversation from some colleagues.

Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker.

At first Ben is still immersed in the rhythm of his thoughts, but something in his mind makes him stop.

Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker.

An idea appears in his mind, but it is too crazy to consider it true. Although, somehow it intrigues him.

He does not stop thinking about it all day.

That afternoon, he talks to his mother via hologram in Luke's office.

“It's all okay, mom” says Ben without any emotion in his voice.

“Ben is becoming a good teacher, he has patience with children. Soon he will be a great Jedi” Luke interrupts. His nephew thinks that his enthusiasm is feigned.

The young man does not look at his mother. Instead, he looks at the ground. Until he remembers something.

“Mom, Uncle Luke, why do people talk about Grandpa and Darth Vader?”

There was a sincere interest in that question.

Ben sees how his mother and Luke look at each other, with fearful expressions. The panic is growing in his chest. His heart begins to beat faster.

“No, it cannot be…”

“Ben, I didn’t tell you before to protect you. I knew it would hurt you to know that your grandfather, well ... He was Darth Vader”

Ben's mind goes blank for a few seconds. He feels a bubbling rage taking place in his mind. Pain, anger. All that, as if it were air from the bottom of the sea that wants to see the light, comes out afloat.

“You have been hiding the truth from me”

“Ben…"

“You hid the truth from me all my life!”

He sits up quickly. He feels a huge anger. They have left him alone, and they have been hiding information about his family, about who he is. And now his mind, consumed by the darkness, the voices that do not stop, come out afloat. His grandfather was Darth Vader, and what he has inside will make him follow in his footsteps.

“Ben, please, calm down” Luke says to his nephew as he puts a hand on his shoulder.

And before that contact, the boy sees the expression of his uncle. He has just felt his darkness, his most intimate fears. Now he knows everything.

Abruptly, Ben slips from that grip and leaves the room. He does not look at his mother again.

**

He doesn’t go to training.

He is not going to dinner.

Nobody can see him in the corridors.

From the moment lived with Leia and Luke, Ben is in his room. He feels betrayed, sunk, alone.

There are knocks on the door.

“Ben, I know you're there! Open the door!”

It was Rey.

“Go away” he answers loud enough so that she can hear him.

“I'm not going to leave until you tell me what's wrong”

Minutes pass and Ben doesn’t answer. He is still lying on the bed.

“I'm still here! I'm not going to leave!”

He doesn't do anything.

“Open the damn door!”

The young man finally stands up. He knows she will not leave him alone. He feels that it is not the best time to talk to her because in those moments he could throw the table out of the window because of how furious he is.

Ben opens the door and meets her.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong with you?”

“Rey, I want you to leave right now”

“You haven’t come to dinner, nor have I seen you after class”

“Go away” he says, with too much poison in his voice.

“Look, I don’t know what’s got into you. I’m just worried about you.

“Don’t do it. Go away. Don’t you have any friends? Well, go with them”

Rey's expression changes. She is surprised. He did not expect Ben's replies to her.

“Ben, seriously, if something has happened to you today I want to help…"

“I DON’T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU! GO AWAY!” Ben's yells are heard all over the hall. He is too hurt and anguished. But anger takes control in him.

He immediately realizes what he has just done. He is seeing it in Rey’s face. She has glazed eyes now.

He is too broken and the only thing he knows how to do is cause more pain. Even to her. And he knows that Rey is not to blame for anything, and she doesn’t deserve this.

“Screw you, Ben Solo” she answers in a thin voice. She turns and goes to her room.

Ben stays at the door for a while, running his hand through his hair nervously. The last person he wanted to hurt was her.

The darkness is right. This is not his place.

**

At midnight, or maybe a little later, Ben notices a green light in his room. He has not been able to sleep for several hours and now that green glow catches his attention.

But it is an uncertainty that only lasts a few seconds.

The man turns and sees his uncle, saber in hand, ready to kill him at that moment, without remorse. It's like he doesn’t recognize him. As if that kind man had vanished to make way for someone capable of killing him. His own nephew.

Ben quickly grabs his saber and stands up to him, clashing his saber with his uncle’s.

With the other hand, he makes the roof burst. He bursts the building. He bursts everything.

As soon as he looks around him, everything is reduced to rubble. There's fire everywhere, smoke, and debris of what was the academy.

Ben does not see anyone. He does not know where his uncle is. He cannot believe what he has just done.

And then he remembers Rey. Panicked, he removes the debris on him and goes looking for her. He does not find her and he starts crying.

“Rey!”

There's no answer. The time passes slowly. The smoke prevents him from seeing well, but he can hear drowned screams among the remains of the building.

When he gives it up for lost, he sees what may well be three buns.

“Rey!”

Ben runs towards her, avoiding the flames that come out of some pieces of wood. She was semi unconscious, her legs completely covered by large slats and lying face down on the floor.

He lifts her up and holds her close in his arms.

“Rey, talk to me! Wake up!”

The girl's eyes open weakly. She looks around.

“Ben, what…” she tries to say. She cannot go on, she starts coughing because of the smoke.

He embraces her again, crying because of the fear of having lost her forever.

**

Ben turns from the pilot's seat and sees Rey sitting, wrapping her arms around her knees.

“Where are we going?” she asks, from the floor of the ship.

“I'm taking you to a safe place”

He has taken one of the ships that his uncle had close to the academy and has left the planet with Rey.

Ben has a plan. Users of the dark side know who Rey is and will go to find her. The best thing is to leave her somewhere out of the way where they cannot find her. Where nobody knows anything, not even herself.

The trip was going to last several hours. He sits next to Rey and rests for a while.

He tries to put a hand on her shoulder but she pulls away. Ben realizes that she has been crying. He does not dare to say anything either because he knows he can not avoid telling her the truth about him. And it would be something that would hurt both of them.

“Rey, forgive me”

He does not get an answer from her. She is still curled up in a corner on the floor.

“I did not want to yell at you last night” he continues. “Some things have happened. I ... Umm ... I found out that my grandfather was Darth Vader, Rey”

She turns to look at him. She does not have the expression of horror he expected to see.

“I was scared, I was terrified of the dark side, I was afraid that it would reach you…"

He notices that she takes him by the hand.

“Ben, you're not like him”

Rey approaches and hugs him. She rest her head on his shoulders. Her contact hurts because he knows it is one of the last. He suppresses a moan.

“I don’t know”

Rey moves away a little to look at him.

“You are the best person I know”

Ben's heart breaks more, if that's possible.

**

They land on a desert planet, drowned by sun and heat.

“What is this?” Rey asks while leaving the ship.

“We are in Jakku”

“Is this where we're going to stay? Where is Luke?”

He does not answer. He avoids answering those questions.

After leaving the ship between the sand dunes, they go to a small village nearby. They arrive at several stalls and shops that form a kind of flea market. There are screws and a metallic pieces in most of them.

Ben gets into one of the stores and tells Rey to wait outside. After a while he comes out, accompanied by a great creature that does not transmit good vibes.

“All right, say goodbye “ that thing says looking at Ben, with an unpleasant voice.

He approaches her and bends down.

“What is happening? Who is he, Ben?” panic seeps into her words.

Ben looks down first, trying not to cry.

“You're staying here, Rey”

“What?! No!”

“I have to protect you, and this is the only way”

“You cannot leave me here! I want to be with you!” Rey yells, crying. Tears run down her cheeks leaving a path among the dirt that had recently stuck to her from the sand.

Ben breaks down in tears. He wipes tears from his eyes, so he can see her well.

“I'm sorry Rey, but I have to do it”

“Don’t!”

He catches her before she can run. He does it by the arms, avoiding receiving some blow of her trying to escape.

“Rey! Rey, stop!”

He sets her on the ground and turns her around. They are face to face.

“Kid, listen to me”

Now she looks at him while she cries. He takes her face with both hands, stroking her cheeks and wiping away the tears that fall through them.

“I know I told you that we were always going to be together, but I have to do this to fulfill it. There is something that is not right with me, Rey. I know you know it. And I have to go to fulfill my destiny” Ben has trouble speaking. “I know you'll be fine. You are strong and you will know how to take care of yourself”

“Ben, please, do not do this… “ Rey manages to articulate between sobs.

He rests his forehead on hers.

“Rey, everything will be fine”

“Ben, no…”

He looks her for the last time.

“I want you to remember this. Remember that I'll come back for you”

Ben kisses her on the forehead and brings a hand to her head. With the power of force, he enters her mind, searching for memories, touching them, caressing them. He sees himself over the years. He can also see all the moments in the Jedi academy. And with a movement, he disconnects everything. The images that Rey kept of his face, of his voice disappear. The feelings that Ben sees towards him, disappear.

And suddenly, Rey is uncouncious, falling in his arms.

Ben has left her an image of some parents, two figures in her mind that would serve to give her hope and guide her.

He leaves her lying under the shade, under Plutt's gaze.

**

It takes him a lot of time to get to his ship walking through the desert. He enters and prepares to take off.

When he has left the planet behind, he leaves the controls and closes his eyes.

Ben does the same process. He disconnects all the memories he has of Rey. He forgets her look, her laugh, her hugs. This is the best.

He stops crying as soon as it ends. He does not remember why he was crying.

Ben, twenty-nine years.

It has been many years. He isn't the same. He hopes that the dark side consumes him to be able to become like his grandfather but it is the light that still remains in him what consumes him.

The Jedi academy is like a blur for him. Something that does not look clear. But he still remembers the wild look of his uncle trying to kill him. Those are transparente and precise memories.

“Sir, the droid has been seen in Jakku. It wasn’ t alone, it was with a girl”

He’s choking him.

“What girl?!”

**

His mind has gone blank for a few moments as all the memories come back at once. Now he remembers everything again. The girl. Rey.

He found her for the first time in his uncle's office, years ago. He was always by her side. They took care of each other. Her brown and bright eyes, her jagged smile, the freckles on her face, her hands inside his.

He remembered the nights he couldn’t sleep, and the nights resting on her small back.

Everything began to take shape again in his mind. The memories enveloped everything, recovering the space that the force had taken away from him years ago and that now returned to him.

It has always been her, he realizes. And he also realizes where he is. Sounds of guns and shots in the distance, smoke, screams. Reality hits him. He is lying on the ground, someone’s arms wrapping him. He can see the wound under his collarbone, through which the blood gushes out.

“Ben!”

That scream takes him out of his trance.

Then he looks her in the eyes. A woman. He is between her arms.

“Rey…”

And everything collapses in his mind. He breaks up crying, but this time with happiness. Because he is with her, he’s found Rey again, he has remembered her again, he knows that that girl is the most important person in his life. And being with her fills him with happiness.

“Ben, why did you do that…"

“I had to save you” he answers. He’s still crying, but a smile crosses his face. He is happy.

He sees Rey's hands, stained with blood. She rips a cloth from her own suit and presses on his wound. It is ineffective because the blood keeps coming out at great speed.

“Ben, hold on"

She's crying. An inmense pain shown in her face.

“Rey”

He weakly raises a hand and rests it on her face, brushing away some hair that has stuck to her cheek.

“Rey, it's always been you. I know why I'm here, why I did the things I did. It was all to get here, to save you. I'm so proud that at the end I achieve it”

He put his hand down, he doesn’t even have the strength to lift it.

She cries harder.

He has to hurry before his blood travels his body for the last time.

“Listen to me. You are everything” Ben says, with the weakest voice. “Forgive me. I’ve been wrong all my life, without knowing who I was. Until you arrived and you reminded me. I loved you from the beginning. I love you now, and I will love you forever” he laughs softly between tears. “You have always been in my heart, Rey. I wish things had been different, and I wish we had more time. But that doesn't stop me from telling you this. You are my light”

She is stroking his cheek while he’s speaking. She runs her fingers through his scar, through his eyebrows. Ben turns and kisses her palm.

“Ben, don’t leave me, please” she pleads between tears.

“I'll come back for you sweetheart”

Then he sees how she bends, joining her lips to his, in just a touch. It's the sweetest thing Ben tasted in his life.

Everything stops in that kiss, in which he gave her the last breath of his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry guys. I really hope this doesn't happen in episode 9, but it was a scene that I had in my mind. Trust me, everything will be fixed in some way in the next chapter.
> 
> Thanks Andrea and Fran Solo! :))
> 
> I really appreciate the comments and Kudos ♥


End file.
